Voice 1: You really should write something you know. On your blog.
Voice 2: Mmm, yes you probably should.
Voice 1: I mean you’re confined to the sofa anyway, what with managing to put your back out… folding laundry. I mean for fucks sake, how on earth did that happen? Never mind. The point is, you’re here anyway, not doing anything. So just write something why don’t you.
Voice 3: UM, WERE YOU AWARE THAT IT’S TEN PAST THREE ALREADY AND YOU HAVEN’T WRITTEN A SINGLE THING? WHAT *HAVE* YOU DONE TODAY EXACTLY?
Voice 2: Er, I don’t think you are entirely helping matters much by taking that tone, Voice number 3. Why don’t we read something – perhaps it will inspire us!
Voice 1: Heh. That stuff about David Cameron being a lizard and eating live, sacrificial animals sure was funny. Nice one Mr Brooker… Now what?
Voice 2: I wonder if Charlie Brooker is a secret David Icke fan?
Voice 3: CAN EVERYBODY JUST SHUT UP?! THIS ISN’T GETTING SHIT DONE. YOU THERE! JUST WRITE SOMETHING, DAMMIT!
Voice 1: No you shut up. Why don’t we google, ‘Charlie Brooker loves David Icke’, and see what comes up?
Voice 2: Nooo, let’s google that Owen Jones and find out how old he is. I mean is it just me, or does he look like he would be more at home swotting for his A-levels?… Huh. How about that. Twenty nine. Well *now* I feel old.
Voice 3: THIRTY EIGHT IS MORE MIDDLE AGED THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE! SOON YOU WILL BE MENOPAUSAL, INVISIBLE, AND YOUR BRAIN WILL ATROPHY ALONG WITH YOUR OVARIES!
Voice 2: Okay, okay, enough now people. We need to concentrate. How about a cup of tea and a cigarette?
Voice 3: I COULD MURDER A GIN AND TONIC.
Voice 1: You’re an alcoholic you dipshit! You don’t drink gin and tonic remember!
Voice 2: Oh please you two – stop! Does everything have to turn into a row? Come on. Let’s just open up a brand new blank page and write whatever comes into our head. Oh, by the way, do you think so and so had her baby yet? You really should give her a call…
Voice 3: YEAH. IN FACT LET’S MAKE A LIST OF ALL THE OTHER MILLIONS OF THINGS YOU SHOULD BE DOING AND AREN’T. ALSO, SNAPCHAT IS STUPID.
Voice 2: But Tinie Tempah is very handsome. Also his lyrics are hilarious. Apparently, he has so many clothes he has to keep them in his Aunts house. Do you think that’s true? Seems a strange thing to make up… Although he’s got loads of money – why doesn’t he just buy himself a bigger wardrobe?
Voice 1: Random.
Voice 3: OH FOR FUCKS SAKE THIS IS THE MOST SELF ABSORBED AND IRRELEVANT BLOG POST EVER.