Aha Facebook. Or Faceache as I prefer to call it.
This has been done before, I know. But for me Facebook has followed a similar trajectory as a once interesting and vaguely promising reality television show. I mean at first it seemed like a great idea. So much potential! Limitless scope! Until it disintegrated into a farce where personalities magnified to the power of ten became little more than charicatures of themselves and everyone sat around staring at what each other was having for lunch. But no matter, I am hooked anyway. Hooked into the biggest time-suck in the universe. I mean really, it’s a wonder anyone ever comes back.
Having as I do, the most random selection of friends, acquaintances, and people that I used to know, my time-line can be a real treat. Here are just a few of my favourite most annoying Facebook personalities for your delectation:
1. The conspiracy theorist
Posts pictures of injured people lying on emergency stretchers outside foreign embassies and claims their mangled and bloody legs are, in fact, not their real legs. Extra bonus points for multiple references to David Icke and lizard people.
2. The politically aware perv
Enjoys posting photographs of naked women. Except, of course, he cares deeply about the environment and Palestine and zen and stuff. And the naked women are all either rock climbing or doing yoga poses, which means absolutely and definitively that he has muchos respect and lurve for us ladies and would simply like us to understand and appreciate how beautiful we all are. Any accusations of sexist piggery are apt to weeely weeely hurt his feelings. Because it is impossible for a man who opposes fracking to objectify a naked woman assuming the bridge pose. Everyone knows that.
3. The count-down to christmaser
This is the sort of woman (sorry, but it almost always is a woman) who in real life will be wearing baubles for earrings and cheerily enquiring as to whether you’ve got all your wrapping done yet by mid August. Seen infrequently in the flesh she is containable – on a good day perhaps unintentionally amusing, on a bad one a minor irritation. However on Facebook, her omnipresence looms large and glittery. Barely have I finished spiking myself on the very last of the pine needles that wait embedded in the carpet like punji sticks for my un-slippered foot, when menacing snow edged posters begin suddenly to appear on my timeline announcing, ONLY 263 DAYS TO GO! ONLY 262 DAYS TO GO! ONLY 261 DAYS TO GO! I briefly consider laying in wait outside the post-office in order to garotte her with a length of last years tinsel. But log out instead.
4. The farmville addict
I don’t care how many frigging bunches of daffodils you send me, I’M NOT PLAYING.
5. The aw sooooo cute, baby animal picture poster
I have a theory. Actually it isn’t my theory, I read it somewhere. But never mind. The theory goes that those who make a show of displaying excessive tenderness and sentimentality do so as a compensation for the sadistic and rageful cruelty they know lurks deep inside them. They are fully aware that they are a mere hairs breadth away from committing carnage to the sound of their own primal screams, and so to quell their disquiet try to kid themselves and everyone else by going on and on about how much they adore ickle kittens. The more inherently sadistic they are, the more baby kitten/koala/monkey pictures they post on facebook. FACT. That old school friend with a thing for fluffy lion cubs? Totally a serial killer.
Please feel free to share your favourite Facebook crimes with me in the comment section below. I shall enjoy eye-rolling and tutting right along with you, unless you call me out on something I do of course, in which case I shall be most offended.