I Wish I Was A Vicars Wife (a poem about alcoholism)


I wish I was a vicars wife

Or at least how I imagine one to be

With a little floral pinny

And an endless pot of tea

I’d sit on all the committees

And smile benevolently

And every year I’d win first prize

For my quince and courgette chutney


I’d have sensible hair and angelic kids, and I’d never once say Fuck in public

I’d polish my staunch moral code til it shone, while basking in all things domestic

I’d day dream of ways in which one could save the hopeless and hellbound heretic

And I’d smile and I’d sigh and I’d feel sorely blessed, for a life so damn near to perfect.


Oh I wish I was a vicars wife

At least how I imagine one to be

With my ladylike glass of something

At the vicars party tea.

I’d just drink on special occasions

My limit would be three

And I’d go home with all my pride in tact

Plus my knickers still where they should be.


I’d never obsess about how to get paraletic with nobody knowing

Wouldn’t hide in my house with the phone off the hook, before passing out full of self loathing

Wouldn’t drink wine for breakfast and not go to work, always terrified of facing others

And I wouldn’t drive straight into lorries, damn near robbing my kids of a mother.




About Gappy

Blogger and single mother of three. Likes cake. Hates Jeremy Clarkson. These are my principles - if you don't like them, I have others.
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16 Responses to I Wish I Was A Vicars Wife (a poem about alcoholism)

  1. Steve says:

    Or indeed robbing us of your intelligence and wit. Best of luck and best wishes.

  2. notsupermum says:

    Sometimes it takes something that bloody scary to do something about it. Thinking about you, and rooting for you to sort this out. Much love, x

  3. EmmaK says:

    Very dark poem but powerful so you hit the mark. Have a wonderful festive season. Emma x

  4. Iota says:

    There’s a brilliant blog you should read. It’s called Adventures of a Middle-Aged Matron, and is written by a vicar’s wife. It’s hilarious.

    Happy Boxing Day7!

  5. I don’t want you to be a vicar’s wife. I want you to be you—a happy, contented, healthy and sober you. And you will be! xx

  6. Nick says:

    Vicar’s wives are probably more fucked up than anything you can imagine.

  7. I’m sorry to read the pain behind this. Vicar’s wifedom might not be the safe refuge you suppose, though. Am still recovering from the business of the elderly lay reader and the nipple tassles and the horde of knitted breasts in the vestry. And now someone’s been nicking from the collection plates!!

  8. God, I’m glad you’re OK. And back. And still OK?

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