I wasn’t going to write about this. I tend to find such obvious baiting off-putting, as well as the exploitation of women and children distasteful. But having read some of the responses from other bloggers, I feel compelled to join the conversation.
You see time was when I was a fairly militant breastfeeder. I was the kind of woman you might occasionally see in a cafe, making no effort whatsoever to feed her baby ‘discreetly’, refusing to cover up or to be cowed, and positively glaring at anyone who dared a disapproving look. If anyone wanted to say anything to me, I was ready. Couldn’t I do that in the toilet? No, but I’d be more than willing to help you take your food into the toilet if you had a problem with dining in the same room as my baby.
I was an informed woman. I had read the evidence stating categorically that breast milk was nutritionally superior to formula milk; I had pored over the latest studies suggesting that breastfed babies had higher IQ’s and were more securely attached to their mothers. I laughed unthinkingly at my friend who liked to say that bottle fed babies were, “thicker and sicker.”
I trained as a breastfeeding peer supporter and joined my local breastfeeding support group as a volunteer. Full of enthusiasm, I passionately wanted to assist mothers who were having difficulties breastfeeding and adjusting to new motherhood. I knew only too well how hard it could be, and believed then (as I do now) that a lot of mothers find themselves unable to continue breastfeeding due to a lack of accurately informed and dedicated support.
However my time as a breastfeeding supporter opened my eyes immeasurably to the so called ‘Mommy wars’ the Time magazine article is accused of perpetuating, and which some respondents have attempted to deny exist. I have never seen so much sugar coated judgement, pressure and competition, mixed up with genuine friendship and compassion as I did amongst those new mothers and breastfeeding advocates, and this caused me to dramatically alter my stance on issues surrounding infant feeding and attachment parenting.
I came to realise that I had breastfed, co-slept, and worn my babies because I had, first and foremost, been in the privileged position of being able to do so. Also because it had been the choice that had felt right to me at that particular time. It had been what I wanted to do and what had felt easy and right for me.
Meeting women that hated breastfeeding was a revelation and an education. I saw them weary and utterly worn down by persistent painful problems and conflicting advice, feeling depressed and guilty at their growing resentment towards tiny babies who wanted to suckle at their breasts so often they could not manage their other children or run their homes effectively. Women largely unsupported by their partners or extended family, who needed some degree of routine in their lives in order to preserve their sanity and get everything done. Women who had no choice but to go back to work if they were to keep a roof over their families heads. Women who loved their work, were stagnating sitting at home all day, and were chomping at the bit to get back out there. Women who could not sleep a wink for fear of suffocating their children if they co-slept, and who longed to enjoy some private time with their partner, or a weekend away with friends, just so that they could feel like something other than a new mother for a few precious hours.
I began to feel angry on their behalf. Why should women keep on trying under such circumstances? The desperation of some to ‘succeed’ at breastfeeding was palpable, but there was very little joy there. Rather the desire seemed born out of a fear of ‘failure’ and of judgement, and I could see many women were suffering as a result.
I became disillusioned with the breastfeeding support community of which I was a part. I began to see the relentless “breast is best” propaganda plastered all over our walls as either preaching to the converted or slightly intimidatory. I heard fellow supporters mutter such sentiments as, “choosing not to breastfeed your baby is like choosing not to strap your child in a car seat” and claim that any woman who found breastfeeding too difficult and switched to formula was simply, “not prepared to persevere for the sake of her child.” I was appalled by this judgemental attitude towards other women and mothers, and as my youngest child grew older, ceased volunteering.
I am still an informed woman; certainly a woman who believes in making informed choices. Is breast milk nutritionally superior to formula milk? Yes it is. Are breastfed babies less likely to suffer a range of illnesses throughout their lives than formula fed babies? Yes they are. Does formula feeding increase the risk of infant death the world over? Yes it does.
But here’s the thing: babies do not exist in isolation. They arrive into already established lives and families. Babies have needs which are important, but so do the people on whom they depend. Women are people in their own right; they are not mere vessels who must be expected to sacrifice themselves, whatever the personal cost, in the interests of what is ‘best’ for others. Contented, fulfilled mothers make for happier children. Formula milk may be less good than breast milk, but it is not poison, and most Western babies do fine on it. Is it too much to ask that women be informed of the facts and then allowed to weigh them up with what they feel are the right overall choices for themselves, their babies, and their families, without being made to feel they are not good enough?
I no longer give two hoots what other women choose to do with their own breasts. Breastfeed or don’t, it’s none of my business. What I care about is that everybody gets to live in a society in which women’s many and varied parental choices are acknowledged as equally valid. Because however you choose to bring up your family, if you are doing the best you can with what you’ve got, you are Mom enough.
Loved this post. Brilliant.
I breastfed both my babies for the first year of their lives. It came very easily to me and it was a positive experience for all of us, and for that I’m humbly grateful. I have watched so many other mums struggle, tearfully, with breastfeeding. A friend and neighbour of mine, who already had a two year old and a dog and a husband working round the clock and no family living in the same country, and whose newborn just would not latch on no matter what, felt so much pressure to give her baby breastmilk that she pumped EVERY FEED FOR FOUR MONTHS before collapsing into an exhausted heap and gratefully starting the baby on formula. The Time Magazine cover made me livid. As you so beautifully put it, any mum who does the best she can with what is available to her is “mum enough”. Many mums who don’t/can’t breastfeed are still goddamn fricking heroes.
Absolutely.
It really changed my mind on the issue when I saw, first hand, women struggling on with breastfeeding, despite pain and constant difficulties, lack of familial support, and just really hating it. At first I thought kudos to them for keeping going, but eventually I just thought why? These women are miserable. They’re not enjoying their babies. Is it honestly worth it? Why do we expect women to put themselves through this?
Choice. It all comes down to choice. No newspaper, no man, no woman and even no mother has the right to dictate to another mother on this issue.
Yes Steve. Absolutely. Couldn’t agree more.
Hopefully with more positive attitudes towards breastfeeding, more women might want to try it, but I’m not sure how positive the whole ‘breast is best’ dogma is to be honest. I think we’ve got the tone wrong.
I was unable to breastfeed (there is a geniune reason that I’m not going into here) but I always refused to feel guilty about it. I did occasionally get questioned by other mothers about my ‘choice’ and ‘did I know’….etc., but you can only do what you can do. I would have liked to breastfeed but it wasn’t an option for me, end of story.
As long as new mothers are given the information and support then they should be allowed to choose what they do without any emotional blackmail.
Good for you for refusing to feel guilty. And how dare people attempt to lecture you. Like you say, it doesn’t necessarily even come down to choice for everybody.
I don’t know you from Adam but I could kiss you right now. I can’t express how much I nodded throughout this post, I breastfed my babies through depression and anxiety through peer pressure, infact it was only the last one that I actually wanted to breast feed, but got MRSA and 7courses of AB’S put paid to that. I truly believe its horses for courses, and I hate that women are judged on that. So long as a child is loved and lookked after and the mother does her best.. Why isn’t that good enough?
Oh gosh, poor you. Sounds like you’ve really been through it. I also hate to see women judged for how they feed their babies. No-one knows what any womans individual situation might be, or what her reasons might be for not wanting to breastfeed. Hell, she might just not fancy it, and that’s ok too as far as I’m concerned. It aint compulsory.
I’ve heard talk that “breast is best” is actually a line that a formula company came up with. Interesting if it is. I agree, women should have choice and for choice to be real, they need to have accessible and unbiased information freely available. We’re not there yet and headlines like “Are you Mom enough?” do not help.
I’m a breastfeeding peer supporter too and a breastfeeding mum who had to overcome serious difficulties related to tongue-tie and resulting very low supply. I worked very hard to be able to breastfeed and it truly was hell but I did it and it was worth it. BUT that’s not to say that I think that everybody can or should do what I did. I was incredibly fortunate to have the support of my husband and family, to have the money to hire a lactation consultant and for this to happen when I only had one child.
Even if another woman had all of that, I would never tell her (or even think) that she had to breastfeed. Each of us has to be the judge of what we can manage. And as you said, we are mum enough, regardless.
If that’s true about the Breast is Best slogan then that is really interesting. The “follow on” milk adverts on TV are interesting too, in the way that they have to say at the beginning that breast milk is best for babies, and then they go on to show a woman who is clearly not breastfeeding at all.
I don’t mean to take anything away from women who struggled through breastfeeding because they really wanted to, with this post. I myself experienced non infective mastitis many times with my third child (she just had never been a particularly efficient feeder and nothing I did could seem to coax her to open her mouth wide enough to get a really good latch). The mastitis was agonising, but I carried on because overall I really loved breastfeeding and found it to be very convenient.
It just made me sad to see women who clearly hated it being made to feel as though they had to carry on. The nutritional benefit to their babies just wasn’t worth all that misery as far as I was concerned.
So pleased you wrote this Gappy! I know breastfeeding was a very long time ago for me (over 15 years!) but I just wanted to quickly add my note. I struggled with breastfeeding, for a range of reasons. There was the dramatic difficult birth (csection after 32 hours of labour and significant blood loss), then there was my very hungry large baby, and the pain I felt when my milk let down. Excrutiating pain. Which is really saying something, as I have a high pain tolerance (only paracetamol after my csection for example). But the one thing that stopped me breastfeeding my baby? One morning, stressed after a hellish month of trying to combine work and my (then) husband’s chronic illness and my own bronchitis I sat down to feed my baby. I winced as he ripped at my nipple, and for a brief but desperate moment, all I wanted to do was throw him literally across the room. I felt utter loathing for this pararsite at my breast. My second thought was of course revulsion at these horrible dark thoughts, and crying I looked down at my sweet boy’s face. His dark eyes were fixed on mine, and in them was an understanding and fear. He knew what I’d felt. I never did ever so much as shout at my baby, but the very next day I started trying to wean him onto a bottle. Two years later I tried breastfeeding again with my daughter, but it was curtailed as the doctor diagnosed PND. Breastfeeding was part of the hormonal mess causing my depression. Five years later when I was handed two pills after giving birth to my second daughter, and asked ‘was I sure I really wanted to do this?’ ‘Didn’t I realise that breast was best for babies?’ I couldn’t reply. I felt shame, humiliation and fear. But I also thought back to that horrible look on my baby son’s face, and I happily swallowed the pills to stop my milk, right down. In my mind, the bond between mother and child is sacrosanct. Anything that comes between that, even breastfeeding, needs to be re-examined on a case by case basis. Vix x,
Ah Vix, you have all my sympathy – and empathy – you really do. And your comment illustrates perfectly why no-one has the right to judge any mother for making the decision not to breastfeed.
OK so you’ve inspired me to blog, well I’ve started a post anyway with any luck I shall finish it over the weekend.
Yay! I’ll look forward to reading your post. x
Really interesting post. I enjoyed breastfeeding too, and I must admit that at times, I’ve questioned others choices (not openly, just in my head) on the matter. I’m not proud of that by the way, but I felt like it needed saying in this context. But ten years down the line, I feel very strongly that a happy or happyish mother, is good for everyone, and if that means bottle feeding, then so be it.
I agree with you wholeheartedly and wrote this post a couple of years ago which isn’t that dissimilar.
http://amodernmilitarymother.com/mother/the-battle-of-the-boobs-and-the-bottle
Just as it should be…a person doing what they feel is best for themselves without condemning others…I personally think that some women who bottle feed have not made an informed choice because the formula companies have advertised in a way that deliberately muddies the waters as they have a product to sell. But the best way to deal with this is not to make mothers feel guilty but to raise awareness in a non-judgemental fashion. It would be nice to see some publicity given to ways in which partners can support breastfeeding (such as making drinks and meals!) Oh I had also heard about the ‘Breast is Best’ slogan coming from a formula company’s advertising – I believe it is referenced in Gabrielle Palmer’s book.