A day or two ago I was reading a post over at Feministe that sought to dispel the myth that well educated women were less desirable to men and therefore less marriageable than their more poorly educated counterparts. The piece included a statistic that stated as of 1996, a woman’s intelligence had made it to rank number 5 on the average mans list of criteria for what he was looking for in a partner, finally trumping previously more coveted feminine qualities such as competent cookery and housekeeping skills.
Yes, well, thought I. Jolly good. Nothing surprising there really, after all we have moved on a little since the 1950′s. However the post then went on (much more interestingly I think) to turn the idea on its head and ask whether in fact it was still important to women today that their male partners be more intelligent than them. Quotes published from young women seemed to suggest this was the case.
Now where I work, we deliver something called the Freedom Programme. This is a 12 week course designed to provide group support and information to women who have experienced domestic abuse. In it women are asked to look at the specific tactics used by abusers to achieve control and domination over their partners, and in particular are asked to examine the beliefs and attitudes that may inform these behaviours. They are then (and this is always incredibly illuminating) asked to examine which of these attitudes they might share. So for example if society teaches men that they should be tough and inscrutable when it comes to their more vulnerable emotions, and boys therefore grow up believing that, what do we as women then feel and believe about men who, say, weep openly? What traditionally masculine qualities inspire our respect and admiration? What sort of men are we most sexually attracted to? Of course what becomes obvious from this exercise is that women are also products of the same patriarchal culture as men. We grow up receiving the same messages and so we often share, or are influenced by, the same belief systems and attitudes.
So with this in mind, if it is true that a proportion of men may feel emasculated by a woman who is more intelligent than they are, is it not then also true that some women (however much we may wish to scoff at the idea) may find it hard to truly respect and admire a man they feel is less intellectually able than them? The author at Feministe admits honestly that she herself would prefer a man she believed to be smarter than her, a man she could feel “in awe of.” And if I am to be brutally honest I feel the same. I am excited by intelligence and knowledge, I need to be challenged mentally, and I want someone I can spar with and lose to. Without these things my attraction and interest will always eventually dwindle.
To broaden the argument – and to bring things back to what I am now terrified might actually be becoming my cultural reference point for absolutely bloody everything – a quick browse through the online dating profile of many a middle class, well educated, left-leaning female Guardian Soulmate will reveal plenty that is telling. These women might well have their own homes, financial independence and exciting careers, but they still joke a little self consciously that they would not want a man they “could take in a fight”. Again and again you see requests for men that are “tall and masculine,” who have “drive and ambition,” and who “can impress with their knowledge of the arts.” Which, crudely translated, can surely be taken to mean ‘I want a man who is bigger and stronger than me, more successful than me, and who knows more than me please.’ Men on the other hand are just as likely to mention physical attractiveness as they are intelligence, and those that do claim to want a partner who is smart tend to do so in the spirit of desiring a match rather than a superior.
The idea that women may be unwittingly colluding in their own disempowerment and oppression is a controversial one. One risks being labelled a ‘bad’ feminist if caught shouting about it too loudly. But I think it is a conversation we cannot afford to ignore. The personal is still political. And if we really want to achieve true equality and stamp out forever the notion that men are in any way superior to women, then surely we must be prepared to let go of our own lingering ideas that men, in order to be admirable and attractive, must always be a little ‘better’ than us.
Yes, I think this old idea of the man being ‘superior’ still persists. No idea why, because it’s not something that would bother me, although I also don’t want a partner who’s as thick as shit either. I prefer a man to be my equal in intelligence, but maybe that’s why I’ve been single for *so* long?
Interestingly, I’ve also noticed a few relationships go to the wall (mine included) when the woman starts to earn more than the man.
It’s interesting. I’m mentally reviewing the smart, ambitious women I work with and whilst I can speak for the intelligence of their partners, they all, with one exception, have spouses who have ‘higher’ status jobs. With the exception of my boss. Why is this, I wonder?
This works in all manner of ways – the extent to which fathers suffer from ‘pre-destined’ social construction when they return to the work place after even the tiny amount of paternity leave most take is quite frightening.
Your fighting against biology here. The female of the species instinctively wants a more powerful mate. I think that’s true in all mammalian species.
Do we really want men who are more intelligent than us, or just of equal intelligence? Or do we seek out those who we perceive to be of higher intelligence to actually test our own?
Interesting stuff. I know I have ended relationships in the past because I felt my partner couldn’t stimulate me in conversation (actually, I suspected one may have been dropped on his head as an infant, shame really as he was quite hot!).
Personally I look for a man at least as intelligent than me, preferably more intelligent as they it kind of stretches the mental muscles.
But I actually think many women are still ‘lost in the 50s’ in the sense that I know many highly educated women who still think there is something absolutely magical in the sense of status to be married to a Professor, dentist or doctor even if said professional is an utter asshole and completely useless in every way! do you know what I mean?
I’m completely with you–I look for intelligence in a man, and always have. However, I’ve noticed a trend away from this among some of my highly-educated girlfriends. One of my closest friends, who is a successful lawyer, has been married to a plumber for over 10 years. Her husband didn’t finish high school, cannot write grammatically correct sentences, and says things like “somefink” and “them kids”. However, he is fiercely loyal, a great dad, a genuine and funny guy to be around, and a hands-on participant in family life (e.g. he is the one who picks up the kids from school, cleans the house, and does all kinds of other things that most husbands still can’t seem to learn…) He also loves my friend to pieces. Intelligence in a man is great, but I guess we shouldn’t overlook all those other great human qualities…
Well, I certainly plead guilty to preferring the company of people who are roughly as intellectually curious as me, because they’re way more fun to talk with. It’s also neat when people have some area of ability or knowledge that isn’t my strong suit, because then we bring different ideas and skills to the table. But that’s all just as true in my selection of friends (of whatever gender) as in my selection of partner (he’s quite bright, we both have terminal degrees in our respective fields, we read voraciously and want to talk about similar stuff, which prevents us from wanting to poke our eyes out with spoons or find ourselves totally unable to make parenting decisions together).
I hesitate to say this, but: I don’t know that I’ve ever met a man (or woman) I consider flat-out “more intelligent” than me. I hesitate to say it because it makes me sound arrogant as hell, but I actually think it’s relevant: if women systematically underestimate our own intelligence and other abilities (and lots of studies show that, as a group, we do), OF COURSE we’d want to ‘marry up’ … perhaps partnering with someone who’s actually as capable and interesting as we really are.
That’s a really interesting comment. You’re right I think, that as a group women do tend to underestimate their own intelligence and abilities. Living in a society that routinely discriminates against women engenders low self-esteem in women and girls. So perhaps sometimes we think we’re ‘trading up’ when in fact we’re choosing partners who are roughly our equals. Food for thought.
I like to live by the ethos that no one is less or better than me. We are all on a level. What some of us lack in one area we gain in another. Everybody deserves respect no matter their gender or “social class”. And besides. intelligence isn’t a static quality… ignorance can always be remedied.
Well yes of course I would agree that everyone deserves respect, and that no one is inherently better than anyone else – that’s why I put the ‘better’ in inverted commas. But I do think people vary in levels of intellectual ability. Sure ignorance can be remedied – but that’s not the same thing entirely. Nobody can argue, for example, that everyone on the planet is just as intellectually able as Stephen Hawkings.
And I do think that traditionally men have expected to be more intelligent and successful than their female partners. My point with this piece is that I think a lot of women still play into that expectation too, and that that doesn’t further our advancement for equality.
I’ve just finished reading Caitlin Moran (am not slightly obsessed with Caitlin Moran) I read this and returned to the last chapter in her book, to quote Caitlin “I would suggest that when you’ve spent millennia not be allowed to do anything, you do tend to become more focused on being self-critical, analytical and reflective because there’s nothing else you can do, really, other than a) look hot and b) turn inward”.
I think her point is very valid. I think a lot of women to adopt a self critical, does herself down attitude, particularly in comparison to men and in consequence we buy into the ‘must be better than us’ thing, I’m not sure if colluding is the right word (not wishing to be critical) because, frankly, it’s been ‘fed’ to us for a long long time, we’ve internalised it.