When I was 17 or 18 – I can’t remember which – I had an abortion.
Let me say now that I do not consider the above statement to be some big reveal. This is no weepy confessional, or any kind of allusion to frailty or shame. It was around the time of my A-levels and I was due to go to university in a year or so. There were things I wanted to do. I certainly did not want a baby and the idea of continuing with my pregnancy and becoming a mother was not one I gave even a large amount of consideration to.
I had been feeling a bit odd for a while; my breasts were sore, everything smelt funny, and my favourite meal of burger and chips would make me suddenly recoil after just a few eager mouthfuls. In the end I stole a pregnancy test from the local chemists and did it, sat on the toilet, alone upstairs in our cold wooden floored bathroom with the dodgy lock, and there it was. A bright blue positive cross in the second little round window. My overriding emotion, I remember, was one of calm resignation. I knew what was to be done, it was just a case of telling those close to me and making the necessary appointments.
The story of my termination is unremarkable to say the least. There is no great drama to be picked over, no overwhelming grief or trauma, no gnawing leftover sadness. I did not, and do not, weep private late night tears for my lost foetus. I just got pregnant, it was bad timing, and so I exercised what I believed then – and still believe now – to be my absolute and unequivocal right to choose to end my pregnancy.
It would seem to me that nowadays the majority of people in this country (thank goodness) support a womans right to bodily autonomy; her right to not be a mother to a child she does not want or cannot cope with, her right to not have to risk infection, haemorrhage and death at the hands of a back-street abortionist. But it would appear that this same majority do not necessarily support that womans right to remain unmoved by her decision. Societies attitude seems to be ‘well yes, ok, we will grudgingly allow you your safe legal abortion if you genuinely feel you have no other option, but you can at least have the decency to show a little self loathing as a result. Your choice will be accepted, but only if you act as though it were the most difficult one you ever had to make. Only if you are traumatised and guilty, and willing to play the role of tearful victim’. In a world that still, for the most part, believes that a womans only true purpose and path to fulfillment is to produce babies and care for them, any decision to willfully terminate that opportunity cannot, it would seem, be seen to go unpunished.
Now I do not wish to detract from the experiences of women who found a decision to terminate a pregnancy difficult and upsetting and who have perhaps gone on to regret their choice – absolutely not, they have all my sympathy, of course they do. But I reject absolutely any obligation for women to feel that way. I believe strongly that abortion can be a positive, happy, right choice for both mothers and their potential babies. I believe that it can be a force for good. To quote the inimitable Caitlin Moran, “Ending a pregnancy twelve weeks into gestation is incalculably more moral than bringing an unwanted child into this world.”
I have recently been following with interest, the lead up to the American election, and in particular the race to nominate a republican candidate to stand against Obama. I have watched mainly in dismay as so much republican debate has centred around how to effectively curtail a womans right to choose to end her own pregnancy legally and safely. I have watched in nothing less than abject horror as a new bill was passed in Virginia that required women seeking abortions to be forced to undergo trans-vaginal ultrasounds before being allowed to go ahead. A procedure that would effectively amount to penetration without consent, it seemed that state enforced rape was to be the new punishment for those seeking to subvert their supposed biological destiny, although I am now somewhat relieved to see that the bill has since been revised slightly, and that women will ‘only’ be forced to undergo abdominal ultrasounds instead.
I think that British women can consider themselves very fortunate to live in a more secular society than that of their American counterparts. A society where those hoping to achieve power do not have an agenda which includes forcing women to have children against their will. Without any control over our fertility we would have no control over our own lives and destinies. A lack of access to free and legal abortion would be the most catastrophic step backwards for Womankind that any of us might encounter in our life times.
And so I would like to see an end to the hushed tones that currently surround any conversation about personal experiences of abortion. An end to the obligatory sorry faces and expectations of shame and regret. These are only expected, surely, in a climate where abortion is still seen as inherently wrong – a necessary evil when needs must perhaps – but still, ultimately, wrong.
Because it isn’t wrong. It isn’t immoral. It isn’t ‘bad’. It is our right as sovereign human beings. And sometimes, even, it is the best thing that we could possibly have done.
Well said, but yes a sore subject for most… its only recently that I can actually say my dicision to have a termination was a good one and made for all the right reasons, it doesn’t make me a bad person and will not be inflicting bad termination carma on my 3 children ( how ever it has taken a long time to get here, im 38 and was 17 when I had a termination) I do feel lucky to live here (uk) where my rights are not being taken away and agree that it needs more shame free discussion but then also no one want to be seen as pushing it as an alternative form of contraception, what do you do ? karly
I’m so sorry that you found it so difficult to come to terms with – you didn’t deserve to suffer like that. All of us are just doing the best we can with what we’ve got at the time eh.
I don’t think anyone would argue that it was anything other than an absolute last resort. But accidental pregnancies happen and people can also change their minds for all sorts of reasons. The option of that last resort has to be there. And most importantly it has to be there safely and legally.
In the UK (not including Northern Ireland), abortion discourse is grounded in women’s health, but muted by British anxiety of public religious expression. It’s a kind of “we-won’t-mention-it-if-you-don’t” truce — It’s good that irrational banshees like Nadine Dorries are left gnawing at the fringes, but bad that frank discussion about abortion can’t be had.
The one thing I have never wrapped my head around is anti-abortion rhetoric, as espoused by American conservatives. Clearly it’s deplorable to blow up a clinic or murder a doctor, but those actions reflect a certain intellectual honesty on the terrorists’ part. If decent people seriously believed abortion to be “mass infanticide” (as both Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum have described it), wouldn’t they be taking up arms, too?
That transvaginal scarlet letter thing is fucked.
Yes, these so called pro-lifers would be hilariously funny if they weren’t so bloody frightening. They demonstrate time and again that they in fact have no regard for the sanctity of human life whatsoever. These same people can be found not only tacitly supporting the murder of doctors and bombing of abortion clinics, but supporting the death penalty and the right to bear arms also. They are people who don’t know what they think, and they are, in my opinion, dangerous.
Great post on a very delicate subject. I am lucky in that I haven’t had to make this decision in my life but I know enough women who have. Women who have gone on to be incredibly mothers, and some that have chosen to never have children. It is their right to choose and damn anyone who says otherwise. They all felt that they were not at a time of their lives to bring children into the world.
Abortion is getting some bad press at the moment – for me, aborting a child because it isn’t the sex you hoped for is a whole world of wrong (unless genetic diseases are at play), and I also think that the current cut off time in the UK at 24 weeks is far too long – I personally don’t see why it needs to be more than 16 weeks for a routine abortion, as in one that isn’t done on medical grounds.
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I can understand why people may feel the cut off point of 24 weeks is too long, especially now as younger and younger babies are surviving outside of their mothers wombs when they are born prematurely. The aborting of older foetus’ is always going to be more emotive and I do accept your point. But a proportion of mothers do not discover that they are pregnant until mid-term and ultimately I would not support a removal of their option to terminate if that’s what they felt was the right decision for them.
As for aborting on the grounds of gender, well that’s a whole other post. I wouldn’t imagine you would find many people who would support that – particularly as it would no doubt be mainly girls who were being terminated.
never been there but if I had daughtyers I would want them to know they had a choice. Saying that I was an accident my parents didn’t mean to start a family esp as they weren’t married although they were serious. Mum went ahead, they married and still are, it fucked me up a biot as a child to know that but I am here and I am glad I am. Yes I think people should not feel obliged to feel guilty about it but I also think they should also have to think very hard about it. Havinf a D&C on demand is not a form of contraception!
Yes my mum always said that I was an accident too (she was only nineteen) but she always added that she really really wanted me from the moment she found out.
I don’t think anybody would argue that abortion should be used as a form of contraception (kind of an oxymoron!) but like I said to my first commenter, it is a vital last resort, and one which should, in my opinion, be protected.
Great post, well put. Rest assured I for one don’t need you to show any self-loathing (well, unless you really want to and can make it really funny). Your body, your decision; your mind, your feelings about your decision.
I’ve given up following the Republican nomination, having decided that that way madness lies…honestly, I only have to hear the word ‘Santorum’ and I get vulval ache.
Oh but that video on a loop on your blog cracked me up. So funny. And so very very apt.
Well said! It is good of you to bring this discussion out in the open – that women have different reactions after having an abortion and all are totally valid you don’t have to be scarred by self loathing for the rest of your days.
Yes I am here in US and like you watch in horror these odd debates about ‘deciding’ what is best for women who have decided to have abortions – ie to curtail the right in many states. Religious maniacs gone mad.
Indeed. Some of those conservatives scare the living daylights out of me. And they’re almost all men. Just who do they think they are, deciding what should happen to women’s bodies?
You STOLE the pregnancy test? That’s, like, the best little narrative detail ever.
I’m in the US and lived/taught in the South for years. Having grown up Catholic but in a liberal, pro-contraception and pro-choice family, it came as a shock to see and hear the (dishonest and hateful) anti-abortion rhetoric that was so present amongst young people at the university where I worked.
I’m quite pregnant with my second now, having an incredibly physically difficult pregnancy, and whenever I’m pregnant I’m even more passionately pro-reproductive-rights. This is hard enough with a very very wanted and planned fetus, in a good situation with lots of support. I cannot imagine the soul-killing experience I’d be having if I didn’t truly want and love the parenting and baby that will come of it; no one should ever be trapped in her own body like that. Ever.
I’m afraid so. Have you seen the price of those things?
No, seriously, I didn’t have any money and didn’t much fancy telling my parents I needed some for a pregnancy test, so needs must and all that… Although I was lucky in that my mother was extremely supportive once I did tell her that I was pregnant and never tried to influence my decision one way or the other.
Thanks for your comment. I also feel that no woman should be trapped like that – but also that in an ideal world every baby that comes into the world would be as loved and wanted as yours. Forcing women to have children they don’t want is a recipe for unhappy children as well as unhappy women. No-one wins.
I know this is a serious post and it is incredibly well written, however you stole a pregnancy test? I love how that line slips in…
Anyway the us is mad, Stupid bill to pass.
I agree with the comments 24 weeks is a long time into a pregnancy and makes an abortion a different issue. But accidents happen
Ha! Yes, I’m both amused and relieved that people seem to be far more scandalised by the fact that I stole the pregnancy test than anything else. That’s funny.
A brave and honest post. But it’s a shame the word “brave” should need to be used in this case. I wholeheartedly agree in a woman’s right to choose – and I’m aware it’s a very delicate subject. I’ve never been in the situation of having to make that decision but have been very close friends with a couple of women who have. In both cases the idea of the state making the decision for them makes me baulk. However, there are limits – I can admit. The most recent case in the news being one, where parents are choosing to abort at a late stage in pregnancy after finding the sex of the baby not to their satisfaction. It is a woman’s right to choose, yes. But there are certain circumstances even I (as a Caitlin Moran fan) find difficult. But yes, you make a decision. You know it to be right. That should be the final word. It’s YOUR decision. Blimey, sorry for the essay!
Don’t apologise – thank you for taking the time to comment! I think there are always going to be circumstances in which a womans decision to teminate makes us baulk. I find the idea of someone choosing to teminate on the grounds of gender very difficult to deal with also. But then again, it’s not my decision to make…
Brilliant post! I totally relate to the stolen pg test (great detail). Agree wholeheartedly about the madness of obligatory shame/angst. And in a world where women are pilloried for being too emotional to boot. Gah!
Btw. This IS one of your gifts xo
Thank you. x
It’s good to see you back. Keep writing, I want to read you!
Thanks, Gappy, for voicing what so many Americans feel. I can’t stand that this is such a big deal in our country, that so many Americans are ungrateful for the fights and struggles of our foremothers. The basic human right and dignity to make these complicated decisions. If I follow the politics too much, I’ll go crazy, so I try to do what I can and cast my vote for the best man in the November election. (Yes, always a friggin’ man.)
Yes I must admit that following the lead up to the American election made me feel very grateful that Britain is basically a pro-choice country. There is a contingent here that would like to see our abortion rights eroded by stealth, but they won’t ever win I don’t think.
Interesting and very well said.
Thank you.
I’ve never been in the position of having to think about getting an abortion, but I’ve known women who are, and always secretly wondered if they’re all as devasted as society expects them to be. Thank you for your honest and thought provoking post.
As well as the obvious infringement on personal liberty issues, the abortion debate in the USA enrages me on another level; the idea that the average woman is not intelligent enough to make a decision about something that she is an expert in (her own life). I am assuming that most women are fully aware of what would happen if they left the fetus to grow (thus why they want an abortion!) so why is there a need for any kind of ultrasound or listening to a heartbeat or any of that stuff various states like to come up with every other week? It’s as though the State is saying, you may think you need an abortion, but we know better, you silly girl, you! I cannot see why any woman or any man who had respect for any woman would put up with that attitude.
Thanks for posting this. It really sums up how I felt when the ‘sex-selection’ story broke last week and the BBC decided to illustrate it with a picture of a clearly distressed woman (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-17155197). Regardless of the rights and wrongs (and the real story behind) the allegations, that picture is crudely stereotypical and judgemental (‘if you consider an abortion you WILL look like this’).
like others here I’m amused that you stole the pregnancy test! nice!
I’ve never been in the position where I had to choose to have an abortion, and for that I count myself lucky. I’ve had frights with late periods or broken condoms, as I’m sure most women have throughout their lifetimes, but the pregnancy tests always were negative. When in those situations I always very strongly thought abortion was the only option I wanted, and I expected that if I had one I would feel only relief. A ball of dividing cells is not a human. I expect that there would be no feeling of guilt or remorse, only sweet relief and freedom.
I’m not sure how it works in the UK, it sounds pretty straightforward. But here in NZ we have to declare that carrying the pregnancy to term would give undue mental distress, and we need two doctors to agree before we can access safe abortion. Which sounds like bollocks to me.