Yes, that woman on the left – in case you were wondering – is me.
I know what you’re thinking. Is there any particular reason as to why I am dressed like a cross between an Animal Liberation Front activist, a bank robber, and a ninja?
Well yes actually, there is. Bear with me. It all began with a phone call I made first thing yesterday morning. Imagine if you will, a slightly crotchety Gappy, a phone ringing somewhere in a dusty rural council office, and a gruff, heavily accented male voice on the other end of the line, “Hello?”
Me: Hello, am I through to pest control?
Male voice on the other end of the line (who from now on shall be referred to as MVOOEOL): Yes. What can I do for you?
Me: I’m afraid I have rather a large wasps nest in my garden shed. I can’t get in there to access the lawnmower – I’ve already been stung on the back once – and the grass is fast reaching my childrens ears.
MVOOEOL: Well we can certainly come and take a look at that for you, our call out service is free of charge….
Me: (cutting in) Oooh fantastic.
MVOOEOL: (carrying on despite my interruption) …and then if you want us to remove the nest, there will be a charge of fifty pounds.
Me: Oh. What?! Fifty pounds??!!! (I let out an involuntary splutter of disbelief. A feeling of mild irritation followed hot on the heels of the splutter. Of course I wanted him to remove it. What did the silly man think – that I was inviting him over to admire it and then go away again?)
MVOOEOL: Well, you could be eligible for a discount. All you have to do is write to us requesting an application form and then once you’ve filled it in, send it back to us along with proof of your income, although bear in mind that we can’t accept photocopies so you do need to send us the original documents, then depending of course on your circumstances we could reimburse you up to as much as twenty five pounds.
Me: (having rather heroically, I think, resisted the temptation to say something sarcastic) Right.
And so I put the phone down with a sigh. There was nothing for it – I was going to have to sort it out myself. My friend J came round for lunch, and had a quick peek in the shed:
‘Oh my god Gappy’, she said, ‘it’s fucking massive!’
‘Yes’, I said. ‘Thanks for that.’
So yesterday afternoon saw me and the children all off on a family outing to B+Q in which we compared and contrasted the various methods for ridding ones garden shed of a ‘fucking massive’ wasps nest.
The evening (after the children were safely in bed and the windows all tightly shut) then saw me scrabbling around in the laundry pile for clothes that would cover every possible area of skin with a protective layer, and then creeping outside leaving the back door open, ready for a swift dash back in to safety. At which exact point my next door neighbour suddenly popped her head out of her kitchen window, took one look at me in my black poloneck, black leggings, black hoody and black gloves with my eldest sons camouflage scarf wrapped around my face, and promptly doubled over laughing:
‘Gappy, what are you doing?’
I held up my can of wasps nest destroyer by way of an explanation, which just made her laugh even more:
‘No wait wait, don’t do it yet. Let me go and get my camera’….
At which point I had something of an aha moment. Of course there was a way to post a photo of myself on my anonymous blog. I just needed to take a picture of myself in my wasp fighting costume! Why hadn’t I thought of that before?
The rest, as they say, is history. I flung open the garden shed door and like a comedy terminator, blindly sprayed the nest and anything that moved with what looked and smelt like toxic shaving foam, before slamming the door shut again and running as fast as I could back into the house.
This morning, dressed once again in my wasp fighting ninja get up (much to my childrens amusement) I tentatively crept back to the garden shed and opened the door. This is the sight that greeted me:
The wasps were all dead, their home turned to ashes. Just one live wasp buzzed around forlornly, bereft and confused. It seemed mean to gloat.
Foxy wasp-destroying outfit though.
Why thank you Blue Milk.
Wow, that is, indeed, massive! We had a wasps nest in the kids’ playhouse a while back, and although it was only the size of, say, a tennis ball (that’s the only thing I can think of!), it was still pretty terrifying.
Of course, I had to get my husband to do all the spray-work, as I couldn’t even set foot in the playhouse until I was absolutely certain the nest had vanished (I was hoping the ghost of happiness would grant my wishes and remove it immediately).
Have fun wasp-nest-free!
Ha! yes. The wasps nest did actually bring back rather a lot of childhood memories of sitting in a sweltering car with the windows all rolled tightly up, eating my soggy sandwiches while the rest of my family enjoyed a picnic outside. I remember them trying to persuade me to join them and me resolutely refusing. I was too petrified of the wasps! I’m not so bad now, but the nest was still pretty gross.
That’s one waspy outfit, Gappy! How brave you are – both for getting those waps and wearing this outfit. Nice!
You wouldn’t have called me brave if you’d heard me squealing like a little girl when I had to use a broom handle to knock the dead nest off the door frame. Ugh!
I have to say you look hot. Seriously. You ever thought of going into business as a pest exterminator? You’d need to keep that uniform. I guarantee you’ll be inundated with calls!
I’m afraid I’m far too squeamish Steve, and now I’m blushing.
Looks as though there is a new career opportunity out there as the most glamourous wasp exterminator! Good for you….must tackle ours before the wasp season gets into full swing here.
Well I can certainly recommend B+Q wasps nest destroyer! Totally nuked ours.
Continuing the reveal of your many talents bit by bit on this blog, we now discover you are a ninja wasp killer. I. Am. In. Awe. You are, as I often tell you, magnificent.
MD xx
Why thank you Modern Dilemma. There was an option for a humane wasps nest remover, but frankly, I didn’t much fancy messing with a load of live wasps. Ninja killer it had to be.
This story made me laugh.
But, more importantly
a) you look 18, and
b) there’s a figure to die for right there.
Just where did those kids come from? it must be all that insect battling that’s got you back into shape.
;<)
M2M
Must be a trick of the light Henrietta, or else it’s the scarf wrapped around my face, because I can assure you I sooooo don’t look eighteen. x
Look how much money you saved and how much enjoyment you gave your neighbor as well as thousands of people online who will see your ninja photo. You go, girl.
I don’t know about thousands Technobabe, but I am certainly pleased to have saved the money for sure. It certainly gave my neighbour a bloody good laugh too….
Bloody hell you are hot in that outfit – remember 7 of 9? Uh huh….
Ha ha, I’ve just googled her and now I’ve got that Star Trekkin song going round in my head!
Super cool outfit! And very brave I must say!
Thank you NVT. I don’t know whether it was bravery or pure stinginess, but either way we are now wasps nest free, so it’s all good.
I hate wasps – nasty, pointless, flying, stinging, horrible things! Well done you!
Aren’t they though! Completely pointless, vindictive little creatures. Ugh.
Holy mother, are you sure that’s a wasp nest? More like a wasp conference centre. The outfit gives me an idea on how to tackle the large gang of redback spiders that have taken up residence behind our shed…
Oooh good luck. Not sure how I’d fare with spiders…
WASP CONFERENCE CENTRE!!!! Hilarious Tilda Drake esq. ^^
Oooh you brave ninja, you. I wouldn’t have been able to do that. Mind you… if I had curves like yours, I’d be finding any excuse to swathe them in black too. Can’t let those go to waste.
Well needs must Kirrily, needs must. There was no way I was going to fork out fifty quid!
Well done you, I think you’re nails. And you look nails in your wasp killing outfit too! Now maybe you can offer your wasp management services for fifty quid?
Oooh now there’s an idea!
Gah, that is one giant wasp’s nest. However, you look awesome in your outfit, like a Nature Baiting Superhero! I remember my dad tackling a nest in our guttering years ago – he wore a highly stupid outfit of a pair of dungarees and a net curtain over his head secured with a panama hat. You are a massive improvement on that horror.
Also, well done on actually annihilating them! Buzzy gits.
I keep trying to imagine what a net curtain secured with a panama hat might look like – this could keep me amused for days…
My mum actually has a photo somewhere, I’ll try and get her to dig it out. I only have two words for what it looked like: bloody stupid.
I love this blog! I posted a wasp related tale on my blog yesterday and found a fabulous picture (on flickr creative commons) of one of the hideous little creatures. Have a look if you can. You will be staring your adversary straight in the eyes…Apparently though their nests are works of art. Not sure I would want to get close enough….
Oh my god – that is a look of pure evil! Their nests are quite intricate and clever – clearly the work of mad evil flying genius (trying to think of the plural to genius… geniuses? geneeyie? Haven’t a clue.)
You are a hero Gappy! Well doen you and super fab outfit, you manage to pull it off! lol
Mich x
Thank you Mich. If you ever find yourself with an annoying insect situation, I’m your woman
Well done, you! And, yeah, I’m also weirded out by how young you look. I mean, how old are you, exactly?
It’s actually my 35th birthday today since you ask! The first sunny, blue skied day for ages.