I have a good friend (who for the purposes of this post shall be referred to as H) who is due to have her second baby any time now. She is delighted and I am delighted for her. He or she is a much longed for second baby, and H has endured great loss to get to this point.
H is one of the cleverest, most talented women I know. She is full of positivity, compassion, and humour. We never run out of things to talk about, and have been known to spend hours on the phone or in person debating this and that; alternative therapies, breastfeeding, attachment parenting, and gender politics being just a few of the things we don’t always agree on. H is fiercely pro-breastfeeding and attachment parenting, I am less so. Even though I chose to do both of those things with my own babies because they suited my circumstances and felt right to me at the time, I have come to loathe the way in which these issues polarise women, setting us against each other when we could be supporting one another and uniting in our insistence for equal rights and freedoms. Divide and rule; such an age old concept but still – unfortunately – remarkably effective. Working mothers berate stay at home mothers, breastfeeders sneer at bottle feeders, Debra Jackson devotees sling mud at Gina Ford fans. And whilst we are busy bickering amongst ourselves, nothing changes. Women continue to do the vast majority of unpaid domestic work, there is no real improvement in the pitiful rape conviction rate, and we still get paid less than men for doing the same job. In the face of all this shared experience, do we really need to be using our different parenting choices as sticks with which to beat each other? Surely motherhood is a tough enough gig without all that to contend with as well.
Or is it? The other day on one of my regular bimbles around the blogosphere, I came across this article written by a woman called Jacinta Tynan and entitled ‘Is Motherhood Really That Hard?’ Tynan, you see, doesn’t quite get what all the fuss is about. According to her, motherhood “is a cinch”. There is nothing difficult about being up all night with “the love of your life” and we could all apparently do with learning a thing or two from our mothers and grandmothers, who worked far harder than us and yet never uttered so much as a word of complaint. Our generation meanwhile supposedly acts “as if we deserve a medal.”
I thought of H when I read this and laughed to myself, because despite her compassionate nature, she can also sometimes be heard to grumble that no-one ever writes anything positive about having a baby these days, and that really she’s fed up with all these books that go on and on about how bloody awful being a mother is. Some people spend their entire adult lives longing for motherhood and she happens to like it – is that so bad? Is she some sort of traitor now?
I also like it for the most part these days. I relish the strong bonds between myself and my children. I enjoy their company and am happy to accept that the largest part of my identity is now bound up in caring for them. I take pride in being the best that I can be for them and I love them dearly.
But it wasn’t always like that. My earliest months of parenthood were filled with darkness, with fear, and a howling desperate desire to escape. It is the only time in my life that I have ever prayed – to who I don’t know – but I can remember being on my knees, both physically and metaphorically, begging to just please be allowed to wake up and there be no baby. I can remember sobbing that I had changed my mind, that I would do anything, anything other than be a mother. The child on whom I now dote felt like an imposter.
I was in fact suffering from a severe and undiagnosed post-natal illness, but I think anyway that the relentless demands of early motherhood in particular can be enough to send even the healthiest woman over the edge. I am thrilled for Jacinta Tynan that she is enjoying her new baby so much – really I am. I would wish for every woman that sort of easy transition into parenthood. But I think she would do well to remember that lots of women don’t have a lot of the luxuries she does – a fulfilling part time job for instance, good childcare, a supportive partner and a reasonable income. When I read her article now, I’m afraid just one word springs to mind, and that is backlash. It was always inevitable I think. Acceptance of women finally feeling able to speak out about the darker side of motherhood, of finally being allowed to admit that they don’t always like it, is still so recent. Society still has such a huge vested interest – both social and economic – in perpetuating the myth that motherhood is all pure undiluted pastel joy, that really it was only a matter of time before we were told to get back in our boxes and stop whingeing.
Neither unfortunately does it surprise me that the main thrust of the backlash is coming from women. We have been effectively policing each other since the dawn of patriarchy. My feeling is that the sentiment expressed in Tynans article will become the fashionable opinion to hold, and that the result will be so many more women suffering in silence, their isolation ultimately causing their children also to suffer.
Because yes, motherhood really can be that hard. To seek to deny it does us all a disservice.
I think like anything it’s all about balance. Motherhood is not all hard work but it definitely has its moments. However, every single bad bit is worth it. Being a mother is the best thing in the world ever without any doubt
Yes, nowadays I’d agree with that – most of the time!
Brilliant post.
Thank you Anna. Glad you liked it.
You’ve summed things up wonderfully. Parenting doesn’t start off rose-tinted; it’s exhausting & only time brings relief. I too didn’t enjoy the early stages of parenting but now have a pre-schooler I love being with. A good friend had baby 2 today & I’ll do all I can to help as I know mothers won’t speak up & say it’s not good. I had her 4 year old while baby was born this morning & I hope I can help mum & both children in the future.
Wow, your friend is really lucky to have such great support from you. I really think that it can make all the difference to a new mother, just knowing that someone is there who will take the baby for an hour if she desperately needs a break.
I have to agree with The Moiderer. Motherhood is all about balance. The initial few months can be unbearably hard. I, like many other women, suffered from postpartum depression. In fact, I don’t think I ever fully bonded with my first son. However, there are many joyous moments to counterbalance the hellish ones. I do not think that, as mothers, we should keep quiet about the hard times. However, I feel as if motherhood has gotten a bad rap recently, as it has become vogue to complain about the difficulty of parenting in general. This saddens me. Life is what you make it. If you hump around, bitchin’ about the bad stuff, it will be even harder to see the good. Young mothers ought to be encouraged to take a bit of time to refresh themselves, focus on the blessings, and wash away the disappointments of the day.
I don’t think it’s so much that it has become fashionable to complain about it, more that it has only recently become socially acceptable to do so. I think that there’s a real relief in that, and that that relief has manifested itself in a bit of an outpouring. Better out than in I reckon.
I agree with everything you say, but I worry less about the backlash. The amazing thing about the internet is that it gives mothers a place to have their say, whether they are happy with their lot, hating it or somewhere in between. And their audience can choose to listen to them if their words resonate, or move swiftly along.
Your words always resonate with me, so I’m staying.
Yes I agree that the internet – and blogging in particular – is a fantastic resource for women needing to vent and reach out to others who are perhaps in similar situations. I hope you are correct in your feeling that this will help to temper any backlash.
Glad you’re sticking around too – would miss you otherwise
Yeah. I had to really keep away from every discussion about that over here. There were a lot of them (understandably)! I will say, generations past had a hell of a lot more up-and-down-the-street support, as well as family support, far more than these days. And when they didn’t like it/hated it/wanted to get out, there were those hidden drugs (over the counter, prescribed – self or by their doctors). It isn’t that mothers ‘used to’ like the gig and we’re a bunch of nagging whingers now. It’s that we are less oppressed. And let us not even forget how much we have evolved – we can keep babies alive if they’re born barely half way through gestating, we can do more, medically and technically, these days than ever before in the age of our world. But mental illness is also now more prevalent, depression, anxiety disorders, not to mention the rate of congenital diseases … and I could go on and on. I don’t really know what my point is, now I’ve ranted! But it was going to tie neatly in to why Ms T should have kept her trap shut – or at least been more balanced as to not assume everything about other mothers on surface value alone. Harumph.
Excellent post, Gappy!
I agree absolutely. Women do not enjoy motherhood now, any more or less than they have always done. We are simply more free to talk about the negative aspects these days because we are – as you say – less oppressed. I actually find it quite hard to stomach people harking back to what they obviously feel was a golden age when women put up and shut up. Do they honestly want to go back there? I mean really?
And just by the way, on that point of “enjoying her new baby so much” because that is what JT wrote……. how many of us have discovered that the deliriously happy new mother (by her own account) is actually struggling so hard you could cry for her, if you weren’t so peeved that she’d led you to believe she was Queen of Mothers and you want to gouge her eyes out now for making you feel so belittled and worthless because you can’t cope? (and you’ve been the ‘normal’ range all along)??? Hmmmmmm… maybe that’s just me, in my experience with one unsavoury culprit….
Yes, when I worked voluntarily as a breastfeeding peer supporter, I often met women who were trying desperately to put on a brave face because they couldn’t bear to be seen as not coping, but who underneath were really struggling. I just thought it was such a shame that fear of being thought a failure was preventing them from asking for help and support. That’s what a society that tries to gloss over the darker aspects of being a new parent does to mothers and their children.
Why do people persist in thinking there should be a monolithic manual to perfect motherhood / parenthood? It is such a personal and individual thing. It’s different with each parent, each family and each child – not to mention the home life, birth circumstances and location! All have an effect! I can only speak as a father but I found those early months of sleeplessness very hard as did my wife. We were in our late 30′s and early 40′s – we weren’t as resilient as we once were. It was a tough demanding slog. Yes there were loads and loads of lovely moments all through it – and even now we both miss having a little baby about the place – but it was damned hard work at the same time and we both had days when we could have run away. We still occasionally do and the kids are a lot easier now! Parenthood runs a whole gamut of human emotion and experiece – a lot of it seems contradictory and paradoxical – but that’s just how it is and none of it ever changes how much you love your kids even when they are driving you up the wall. Jacinta Tynan sounds euphoric. I’m happy for her but wonder if she’ll be feeling the same in 2 year’s time…!
I think you hit on a really good point there Steve – that it doesn’t change how you love your kids. So many people seem to interpret a woman saying that she sometimes hates motherhood as her saying that she hates her children. I always love my children. I don’t always love having to look after them. It’s different.
No our mothers and grandmother’s never complained. They were too wired on vallium to complain! I wonder if Jacinta still stands by her article, that she’s still never had those moments of doubt, those moments of longing for her pre children life. I rather suspect not, especially if she’s got to the teething stage.
Yes I suppose there may come a point in her parenting journey at which she is forced to change her view – who knows? But like I said to Kirrily, I find it hard to stomach people harking back to a supposedly golden age in which women had to put up and shut up. We are so lucky to be living in the times we are now, with the choices we now have.
It’s great that she is enjoying motherhood and finding things easier than expected at the moment. However – to write an article like this is a little bit of a slap in the face and I think disrespectful to all those mums ( and there are many of them ) who are not finding motherhood a ‘cinch’ . The undertone of the article is I’m great and I’m finding this easy (good for you!). It also hints that if you find it hard you are a failure, whinger or general useless person.
There are parts of motherhood that I have really enjoyed. The early months, although I would never call easy, were good times for me. Over the last few months baby has been teething and crawling and is starting to get a bit assertive. We have had a hard time with bereavement in the family and things have been very difficult.
I suppose we all have ups and downs. No one finds all of motherhood a breeze. There is no such person as super mum – even if the author seems to think it is her. Pride comes before a fall. Instead of being smug, she should be thankful for having a good time. She should be supporting other mums who are struggling because when she hits a bad patch (which she inevitably will ) she will need friends and other mums to be there for her.
I’m sorry to hear that things have not been easy for you lately. I agree with you when you say that Jacinta Tynan is incredibly fortunate to be finding new motherhood so easy and enjoyable, and that for her then to imply that anyone who doesn’t is a failure or a whinger is unhelpful to say the least. I don’t suppose her attitude will win her many friends at the local mother and baby group!
It’s unfortunate that some people will always lack the imagination to be aware of the subjectivity of their experience. For some people it’s always going to be: if this is how I experience a thing then that’s all there is. I suspect that there might be a similar tone running through any article that Ms Tynan might choose to write. I am happy for her that she’s finding such joy, but I do wish she wasn’t being paid to produce work with what is unfortunately limited insight (particularly when others like the writer of this blog are providing much better stuff without any payment at all).
Why thank you Flo. Actually reading your comment, it suddenly struck me that that was another thing that bothered me about her article. It seemed to me as though she hadn’t put much thought into it – that she’d just bashed out this controversial opinion piece without any consideration for how it might read to potentially vulnerable new mothers. Quite egocentric really.
I can see where you’re coming from and I 100% agree that the hard parts of motherhood need to be discussed, support needs to be there for those that struggle and more understanding of post-natal illnesses. However, I also think that there is far too much moaning about how awful it is to be a mother, how hard it is to not have time to yourself, everything being a military operation, etc, etc. No one ever qualifies that by saying “but it’s worth it” or “but I wouldn’t change it for the world.”
I have no right to talk, I have no children, but all I want from life is a family in which I am a full time mum. It really upsets me to hear people who are basically living my dream bitching and moaning about how they hate it. We’re all guilty of it, I’m sure there are people out there who feel the same about my bitching and moaning about my life, but we all need to realise that there are people who would give everything they have for what we take for granted.
*climbs down from soap box* (sorry about the rant!)
I can completely understand why you might feel resentful at hearing mothers complain about their lot, when to be a full-time mother is something that you want very much for yourself. I think that is a natural enough response, and nothing to apologise for. Also not having children doesn’t disqualify you from having an opinion on my post either.
I do disagree though with your assertion that no-one ever qualifies their complaints with a ‘but it’s worth it’ or an ‘I wouldn’t change it for the world.’ I actually think that the opposite is true, and that it’s rare for a woman to express negative feelings about motherhood without adding a qualifier at the end to soften the impact of her statement. The fear of being judged a bad mother is so strong, it is still rare for women to be completely open about their genuine feelings towards mothering.
Like you, I find these ‘great divide’ issues terribly frustrating.
The thing that bothers me the most is the total lack of imagination people show when they cannot conceive that someone might feel good about a circumstance that doesn’t reflect their own.
Great post, Gappy. And a resounding ‘hear hear!’ from me!
It is frustrating isn’t it. I can’t help but feel that by getting bogged down in these divisive arguments, we are missing the point spectacularly.
I am in total agreement with your first paragraph about how these issues divide us as women and mothers when we really should be giving each other support. I read somewhere that if someone challenges your viewpoint or you way of doing things and you react vehemently against the challenge, it could be that one is not entirely sure of one’s own choice in the first place. I hate these kind of articles that come up time and time again – even the one on home birth in Saturday’s Guardian was supposed to turn the tide back to a favourable. positive view of home births after negative criticism but to me it still implies a certain smugness,a “I did it right and you didn’t,” although home birth is a different issue.
I would say, leaving aside the issue of PND for a moment, that when my younger sister didn’t have children and I did, she said that she was sick of hearing women – not just women but men too – moaning about how hard it was to be a parent and wanted to know what joys there are in it before she embarked on it. And that kind of saddened me. That it had almost swung back too far the other way. But in whole I agree – that it is a good thing that women who are finding it tough, for whatever reason, can speak out and say they are finding it hard.
That’s interesting. I think there is often a feeling of not wanting to put other women off by telling the whole truth about what new motherhood can be like. But I have also heard many angry new mothers say, “But why didn’t anyone tell me?! Other mothers must have known how hard it could be and yet they just smiled sweetly and pretended it was all wonderful.” They feel duped.
The first 6 months with any newborn are very very hard, the hardest thing I have ever done. The good days have bad moments and the bad days have great moments, so there is always something to smile about, but it is ok to cry about the hard work too. Jen
Yes. I also think that for most of us it is eventually worth it. My first child is off to secondary school in a week and I am so full of love and pride for him. Despite all the hard times, the world is definitely a better place with him in it.
Blimey, where did you learn to write like this? It’s brilliant stuff.
I think you’re right. There’s been a huge liberation in being able to say “motherhood is hard work” or “motherhood is not always fab”, because for so so long, women have had to smile sweetly and say “motherhood is the best it gets”. I also think your prediction is right, that it will be women who provide the backlash – we really are our own worst enemies, collectively.
Wow thank you Iota. I was buzzing off that compliment all day yesterday
I really worry about going back to a situation in which expressing negative feelings around motherhood is socially stigmatized. It has got to be o.k. for women to be able to say, I hate this, I don’t feel bonded with my child, and to receive a sympathetic supportive response to that, rather than being treated as if they were some sort of aberration.
Brilliant post!
We all rely on a support system to make any relationship work – nowadays with crumbling relations, forever stressed lives…being a mother CAN become harder than what it was (maybe) decades ago I think. Also, if you become one at the wrong time and are not ready for the responsibility, it can be overwhelming.
Yes, absolutely. I was 23 when I had my first child – not desperately young – but I still was not emotionally mature enough for that responsibility. It completely floored me.
With a very trying 3 year old boy and a 1 year old girl I am looking forward to the days when parenting becomes more consistently pleasurable, and think that mum’s are still not open enough with each other about how hard it can be. One of the hardest things I went through was when I first brought my daughter home from the hospital and suffered from a really negative reaction to my son, who went in one moment from being my adored only son to a great lumbering hulk of a toddler intent on hurting my fragile newborn. It took me a while to claw back my feelings for him, and when I mentioned it to other friends some agreed that they’d had similar reactions! I wish someone had forewarned me,and try to mention my experience to friends who are expecting their second – in fact I probably should blog about it! Anyway great writing, and love the blog!
That article really annoys me. First, is motherhood a cinch when you have no money? Is it a cinch if you have no support from spouse, family, friends? No health insurance?
I will be interested to read whether it’s a cinch when she has more than one.
Excellent post! Thank you!
I love this post!
It was only when I stumbled across blogs seven years ago that I realised that there were other mothers who didn’t always find motherhood easy. Prior to that my children probably had suffered from the isolation caused by my postnatal depression which in turn was partly caused by the thought that I wasn’t the perfect mother that everyone else seemed to be.
In the end these kind of mummy-wars only end up hurting all of us when really supporting each other would be so much more valuable to us and our children.